I find myself looking back alot and saying "What If". That seems to be the million dollar question. My life hasn't turned out exactly the way I would have planned it. If you remember, people would always seem to ask the question "what are you gonna be when you grown up?" I here myself asking my 8 year old daughter this question. She says a teacher. For me it was living in New York City and being in advertising. I would have a great apartment, with a great job, and all the clothes you desire. I am writing this as I look around my house, which is 10 miles from where I grew up. No where near New York. I am a wife, a mom, and lost.....very lost. I met my husband in highschool. We feel in love. I turned 18, and instead of going to college, I bought a house with him....because I was in love. I got a great job. New house, GREAT JOB (LOL), and now a new husband. We decided to elope. We didnt need a wedding. We decided not to tell everyone. So it was just us.
Six months later was the car accident....03/06/1999 The first interupted path. You think you are doing everything right and something tragic happens. My husbands birthday, and I fall asleep driving home. After 6 months of hell, we get through the rough moments. I work for the both of us, while taking care of my new, injured husband......Life keeps on rolling.
First child......born 05/05/2000. Very happy moment. She is just like me. Trying to make everyone laugh......tending to everyone else's needs first. She is a great kid. She loves music. I try to let her be herself. It is very hard not to push your own dreams on your children. I have to hold myself back alot.
My second child.....Born 05/24/2002. He was a handful. People always told me that it was going to be easier the second time around. I think they are wrong. You are more aware the 2nd time around, and that makes it hurt even worse. From the moment I got pregnant he gave me trouble. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 2 and passed away on 08/29/2007. He was 5 years old.
People tell me all the time "you have so much strength". I dont think so. I have to wake up every morning, just like they do. You do all the movements......sleep, eat, work.
I actually feel as if I'm getting back to the swing of things. Well........ I did anyway, even for a brief moment. I picked up my husbands (of 10 years) cell phone, and to my surprise there was a message from another women. Apparently I wasn't giving him what he needed. So he was finding it else where. What do you say? Why? Why now? I'm speechless. I feel silent. I dont know what to say. He has told me that he is sorry, and he wants to work things out. I didnt realize there was anything wrong. I was just grieving for my son.
What if I would have moved to New York. Would I have that great apartment?
Going on 30
